I’m at my wits ends. It’s television. Something has to be done about television.
Let me paint you a little picture. I arrive home from work at around 6pm most week nights. I’m tired and not up for anything too much. Ideally I’d like to sit in front of the box and watch something worth watching. Unfortunately I live in a house where TV is controlled by women and this means 1 thing; soaps and reality tv rule the roost. So if I want to watch something, this is what I had to choose from most weeks;
6.30pm Home and Away
7.30pm - 8.30pm a combination of Eastenders, Coronation St and Fair City
This whole situation got the George Bush treatment this past week when the soap ‘stars’ decided karaoke would be a good way to cement their monopoly of Prime time TV, and SoapStar Superstar was inflicted upon us at 9pm. Reality TV crossed with soaps, can anybody think of a worse union?
I can’t afford to move, nor can I afford a new TV so I’m forced to suggest a rather drastic solution. Now, before you get your panties in a knot, I’m not advocating the abolition of all reality TV and soaps (as much as I would like to). I’m a reasonable man and I willing to concede that there is an audience out there for this tripe. The problem as I see it is that there is now too much tripe on.
I mean look at the soap situation. There are 5 soaps on prime time television, each as stupid, badly acted and preposterous as the last. And worst of all, they are all on at different times, one after the other. Do we really need 5? No, of course we don’t and people don’t need to watch all 5 anyway. So that’s the first thing I thought about changing.
However, this problem is not unique to soaps. It’s demon bride, reality tv is another of the afflicted. Is there anytime during the year when television is free of the poison of reality TV? In its infancy Reality Tv was an intriguing social experiment and although I never watched it, Big Brother was worth doing once. You know, televise 10 ordinary people in a house for 6 weeks and lets see what happens with them? In the original concept the ‘them’ referred to the 10 people in the house, but in an ironic twist ‘them’ has come to actually be us, the viewing public as something far more interesting occurred outside the house. But I digress, once more the problem is not the existence of reality TV, per se, but the sheer volume. Now reality TV has mated not only with soaps, but also the music industry and has been polluting it for several years.
As I began, something needs to be done. So I propose that we compromise and kill several birds with one stone. Thus, as we trim down the numbers of soaps and reality TV shows, we should take the opportunity to clean up the music industry and anything else that needs a spit shine. So, in the short-term, let’s give the people what they want, the greatest series of reality TV shows of all time:
Pop Idol Big Brother This show will run just like the current celebrity big brother. Essentially, everybody who began a music career through Pop Idol, X-Factor etc. will be put in the Big Brother house. They will be joined there by all boy bands, girl bands etc. types. Every week the public get to evict an individual or a group (Income raised from voting will go to charity). The last individual or group standing gets to continue their career. All losers must go back to a life of anonymity on penalty of death.
I’m a Reality TV show host/judge, Get me out of here!! Anybody who has every been a judge or host of a reality TV show i.e. Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Linda Martin, Sharon Ozbourne, Ray D’Arcy (sorry, no exceptions), Davina McCall, Ant & Dec etc are all put onto the actual Skull Island from King Kong. The animals of the island get to decide who leaves the show each week. Last one remaining gets to continue their career.
Celebrity Tough-Love Island Has anybody ever seen the film Battle Royale? For those of you who haven’t, essentially it’s a Japanese movie where a group of teenagers are given various weapons, put on an island and told the last one alive can leave. This show would cross this format with Celebrity Love Island. Anybody famous who cannot explain why they are famous on anything worthwhile e.g Paris Hilton, Callum Best, Fran Cosgrave etc. will be put on an island in the middle of the pacific. Once there Battle Royale commences. It is hoped the eventual winner will have learnt a lesson or two about being famous for nothing and actually begin to contribute to society in some tangible way.
TV Soap X-Factor This will be a truly global show as all current soaps from every country will compete to find the one soap that will be allowed to continue. Each week cast members from each show will perform 3 skits; dramatic, comedic and another category of their choice. Public vote will remove the cast of one soap every week (Income raised from voting will go to charity). The winning show will be broadcast at 1pm Monday, Wednesday and Friday only. There will not be an omnibus edition on Sundays.
Strictly Come Jousting Editors of glossy magazines and celebrities who sell pictures of their new born babies or their wedding to them will compete in the medieval discipline of jousting. As both groups are present because of celebrity they will be refused protective clothing so all the world gets the picture perfect image of their face during the contest. As risk of injury is quiet high, the only guarantee is that at least one person will leave the show each week.
Big Brother Imagine a show that accurately recreates the world of George Orwell’s 1984. This show will do just that and is open to all non-famous people from across the world wishing to be on TV and become famous. A city will be purpose built on one of the channel islands (which one will depend on the number of contestants). Once there the contestants will work for the party all the while at the mercy of the Big Brother and the thought police. Room 101 will become the new diary room. The last remaining person will be offered the chance to do the talk-show circuit.
As much as I hate reality TV I'd be willing to put up with that lot, I promise. I might even make an effort to watch some of them. Once the shows are finished, the only reality show that will be allowed to continue in the future will be the new and improved Big Brother.
After that, finally, I might be able to regain control of TV at home.