Mary, Mary quite contrary.....

Poor Mary McAleese has as ever been caught up in a somewhat important argument, instigated on a number of occasions by her predecessor, Mary Robinson-what the hell is her job? We use non-committal words such as ‘figure head role’, ‘symbolic’, ‘representative’, ‘guardian of the constitution’, without understanding them, hearing about the expense to the taxpayer of running the Presidency on a slow news day but based on the fact that until 1990 we were largely forking out for green fees never really having to ask big questions. Our constitution says that she takes precedence over all others in the state, yet the woman cannot take a trip abroad without the permission of the Dail and certainly her remarks in Saudi Arabia last week would have been written to the satisfaction of the government.

There are few apolitical acts, she is caught up in power struggles where her role is essentially cowering over the elderly in nursing homes and cowering over the young in maternity awards and generally not being allowed to pass comment on anything that happens in between these stages in the life cycle.

However, the debates at the moment on the exact nature of her duties, how any powers are negated by the governments veto and the extent to which she can be said to represent us have dominated our media with each missing the essential point. They have failed to grasp the primordial instinct driving the Presidents actions at the moment.

It is clear that there are two many women named Mary in Irish politics and McAleese needs to create a legacy of some sort in this era of Mary’s. What careful political orchestration, she clearly took a master class in ‘Political Shaking It Up Big Time’. Class 1: speak at a press conference in Saudi Arabia, in a room where women use a different exit to the men and sit behind a screen. You are there to ensure Saudis continue to use their oil money to buy our butter, you choose to make a some way political statement. Instead of commenting on how your sex is not allowed make eye contact with men in your host country (that would be condoned and make the news after 6.30 when everyone has turned over to ‘Home and Away’), which is so old news, jump on the Cartoon bandwagon knowing you’ll upset people back home. Robinson before her brought Rwandan atrocities to our attention, shook Gerry Adams hand pre cease fire and passed comment on the divorce referendum with no shortage of objection on all accounts. McAleese needs to make her mark in light of such actions. (Don’t forget Robinson’s husband Nick is a cartoonist himself so there would be a tactical team in place to keep her away from microphones were she still our head of state at the moment for the benefit of Irish embassies all over the Middle East at the moment. )

Mary Wallace’s return to Irish politics, albeit on the back bench, has been turned into a story for some reason and no doubt will spell the end of the Haughey legacy in Irish politics. It was worth the sacrifice, clearly the return was instigated to get rid of Sile DeValera and ensure the sanctity of Mary’s in the Dail. Smell conspiracy much? I pity poor Liz O’Donnell and how the front bench will deal with the affront her parents made to Irish politics when they christened her Liz. Her mentor, Mary Harney will be forever remembered for her arranged marriage to some poor bastard from the VHI to make her seem human and the fact that the collapsing dam that is our health services have been made worse by her sticking her finger in it. Mary O’Rourke has spoken on national radio from a bath and signed off on the Luas routes not being connected so to herald her campaign to return to front line politics will no doubt pose nude on the front of ‘The Village’. McAleese has a tough job ahead of her making her mark in the annals of Irish history, how can she hope to be included in the list of famous Mary’s of Ireland when she must contend with Mary Hanafin having spent her tenure in Education talking about league tables while a quarter of our adult population are some way illiterate. How she can hope to make as big a political cock-up as Mary Lou McDonnell to join a political party and look dumbfounded every time you are presented with evidence (including their website) of their ‘past’ as if you are hearing it for the first time. I think Mary Lou should run for President, no woman can dodge political questions so well.

If you look a little deeper though you will see this is part of a Mary manifesto. Let the progression of this blog, from discussing empty rhetorical politics to the epiphany that has been the realisation of the mass political conspiracy that is going on guide you. Let this blog be the first to start asking the real questions- is this the beginning of the men of the Dail creating ‘Stepford Wife’ type women politicians and the dodgy computer system they bought is only programmed to name all its models Mary, maybe the women in place were about to make progress or instill some reform so the men decided to replace them with incompetent bureaucrats? The perplexed look of countless farmers across the country is now easily explained away, no one wanted to deal with them so they got a Mary drone (Coughlan). Lets hope she was programmed some way decently to cope with the bird flu, having her in place was good forward planning for the Dail boys who aren’t too hot on the idea of implementing national strategies. The same thinking clearly applied in allocating the poisoned chalice of Health, give it to a Mary. O’Rourke may have been an early prototype, she was simply sent to the Seanad in the last election for some re-wiring. Was it really a coincidence that the borders of her constituency were altered at election time? Clearly, Robinsons model did not work or maybe it worked too well so she has been sent on an international tour to show how Mary’s can be used to make a mark on the international stage- lets use her to have our first female President. Perception is very important. McAleeses model must be proving effective that they arranged for her to go uncontested, maybe they got Michael D his own Marybot to keep him quite? Is McAleeses programming funny at the moment that she is acting up or is she a pawn in some ploy?

Also, why send a prominent politician such as Charlie McCreevy to Brussels, is he spreading word of the conspiracy or has it already reached their shores and he is looking for funding to upgrade and get sexier deputies? Maybe the hope is that if the women get better looking, T.D’s will turn up in the Dail or people will start watching Oireachtas report? Is this the mad plan of a man who wants to reform public broadcasting and end the torture that is Fair City? We have sent John Bruton to represent the EU in the UN, that can’t be a real job so surely he is the representative of the conspiracy of the States, Hilary Clinton’s days are definitely numbered. Has the technology already reached there, maybe the Democrats swopped the Bush Twins with Mary politicobots? Know now that there are weapons of mass destruction, its title- Project Mary.

P.S: Reply if you want to help me break into the Dail to help Liz O’Donnell, she needs our help, we must act fast. She was on the Political Party was Ursula Halligan last week, surely the kiss of death from the master minds behind her scheduling.